LIVERPOOL fans have been banned from singing their famous anthem ‘You’ll never walk alone’ after a series of complaints from corporate sponsors. The decision comes after Portsmouth were told by the Football Association’s commercial department to ‘shove those fucking cowbells up your collective arse and let us eat our shrimp and caviar sandwiches in peace god dang it’.

A spokesman for the Liverpool Supporters Association (LSA) reacted angrily to the news last night and called for LSA members to observe a six-minute silence at their next home game. He said: “This is just another classic example of the Great Media Conspiracy against Liverpool FC, la. The Kop has been paying tribute to our favourite Broadway show Carousel since the 1960s and if it’s good enough for Gerry and his Pacemakers and Johnny Cash and the Blind Boys of Alabama, then it’s good enough for the Premier League. We’ll only stop singing when Goodison Park freezes over, la.”

However, one man in a suit who doesn’t particularly like football very much but goes for the free champagne and canapés anyway, said: “These rapscallions ruin it for everybody with their silly songs and their ugly coarse manner. I have nothing against the proles in general, but I cannot abide their boorish tone and their uncultivated working class values. Anybody would think it was still the 1930s or something.”

The FA’s commercial department is now rumoured to be drafting a ‘Kick Fun out Football’ campaign, which could lead to further restrictions in stadiums around the Premier League. High on the list are Newcastle United fans who frequently bare their naked torsos at away games and West Ham supporters who insist on doing the conga when their team is losing. A spokesperson for the FA commented: “Hopefully by 2010 we will have introduced a black tie policy across the entire Premier League. Replica football shirts must be forbidden in order to keep the common riff raff away.”

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