SCIENTISTS are exploring the use of psychedelic drugs such as LSD to treat the widespread myopia that affects football managers and their ability to see contentious incidents.

The first clinical trials to use LSD since the 1970s began in a pub in Newham back in June. It aims to use ‘psychedelic psychotherapy’ to help managers overcome their ocular impediments and open their minds to the possibility that yes, it was a blatant penalty.

The trials are also testing the benefits of magic mushrooms, after early indications suggested the chemical psilocybin could help linesmen actually get some offside decisions right. Researchers are also using cocaine as an experimental treatment for strikers who are lacking in confidence.

However, Richard Bevan, CEO of the League Managers Association, said the idea is ‘a load of hippie bollocks’ that will never catch on. He said: “I met that Timothy Leary once and he spent six hours talking to a flower pot in his back garden convinced that it was the Dalai Lama. It is a stupid fucking idea.”

Yet former England boss Sven Goran Eriksson said that he has been using mescaline for years and that it had always helped him keep the doors of perception wedged wide open. “I would totally recommend mescaline to anybody who has trouble seeing things on the football pitch. I swear by the stuff. Why else do you think I took this job in Mexico?”

Meanwhile, Chelsea pimp Peter Kenyon scoffed at the idea that cocaine would improve confidence in front of goal. “Shevchenko spends at least £20,000 a week on gak and he is even worse than that Adrian Mutu,” he said.

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