THE FA have today revised their new ‘Respect’ campaign after it was realised just telling players to respect referees would be about as effective as Osama bin Laden skipping into Washington with a little white flag and giving George Bush a kiss on the cheek.

FA officials were said to have voiced concerns about the current campaign during yesterday’s Community Shield encounter between Portsmouth and Manchester United, after nobody could really be bothered to show referee Peter Walton or his assistants the slightest bit of deference.

This has led to officials hastily drafting revised plans, with Victorian boarding school-type punishment rumoured to be the major theme. An FA spokesperson said: “Just showing a footballer a yellow card for swearing or being a cock is not much of a deterrent these days. Most players view yellow cards like British teenagers view ASBOs – it’s a badge of honour. We need to make footballers fear referees in the same way Victorian children were absolutely terrified of their school masters. That’s why we have appointed the Marquis de Sade to oversee things.”

The radical new plans are expected to enforce a strict code of conduct, which, if broken, will result in a range of disciplinary action. This will include mild corporal punishment, expulsion and even public execution for players who repeatedly disregard authority.

“It is about time we stop molly-coddling footballers and start teaching them some proper manners,” said the FA’s new disciplinarian the Marquis de Sade. “Yellow cards must be punished with 10 lashings of the cane, red cards will result in 30. More than five yellow cards in a season and I deal with them myself - and I promise that after they spend two minutes with The Sade, they never offend again.

“What we want to create is a climate of utter fear and terror. No more acts of petulance. No more hissy fits. No more calling the referee a speccy four-eyed paedo.”

FA chief executive Brian Barwick was said to be delighted with the appointment of the Marquis, who had always been his first choice, even though he had allegedly offered Max Mosley the job. “The Marquis de Sade had always been my first choice. The story about Mr Mosley is not true. I was just going over to his house for a cup of tea and a spot of light bondage.”

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