CHELSEA have today announced that Joseph Stalin’s NKVD will be mediating peace talks between the club and ageing midfielder Frank Lampard.

The two parties have fallen out over new boss Phil Scolari’s erroneous claims that Frank Lampard had pledged his future to the club. The Chelsea midfielder maintains that this is complete bollocks and had said nothing of the sort.

Lampard had failed to secure a new deal at the Gulag after Chelsea refused his ridiculous contract demands. Fat Frank is now seeking a move to Inter Milan, where he will join up with former Weight Watchers mentor Jose Mourinho. However, Peter Kenyon has already turned down two offers for Lampard and insists the midfielder is going nowhere.

Determined not to lose face, Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich has called in expert Soviet arbitrators NKVD to chair peace talks between the two parties in a bid to reach an agreement.

Peter Kenyon told reporters that if Lampard fails to agree terms, “we will just make him disappear.”

When pressed what he meant by such a remark, Kenyon replied, “make who disappear? We don’t know anybody called Frank Lampard.”

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