LIVERPOOL fans have been banned from singing their famous anthem ‘You’ll never walk alone’ after a series of complaints from corporate sponsors. The decision comes after Portsmouth were told by the Football Association’s commercial department to ‘shove those fucking cowbells up your collective arse and let us eat our shrimp and caviar sandwiches in peace god dang it’.

A spokesman for the Liverpool Supporters Association (LSA) reacted angrily to the news last night and called for LSA members to observe a six-minute silence at their next home game. He said: “This is just another classic example of the Great Media Conspiracy against Liverpool FC, la. The Kop has been paying tribute to our favourite Broadway show Carousel since the 1960s and if it’s good enough for Gerry and his Pacemakers and Johnny Cash and the Blind Boys of Alabama, then it’s good enough for the Premier League. We’ll only stop singing when Goodison Park freezes over, la.”

However, one man in a suit who doesn’t particularly like football very much but goes for the free champagne and canapés anyway, said: “These rapscallions ruin it for everybody with their silly songs and their ugly coarse manner. I have nothing against the proles in general, but I cannot abide their boorish tone and their uncultivated working class values. Anybody would think it was still the 1930s or something.” [READ MORE »]

Popularity: 76% [?]

PREMIER League chief Richard Scudamore has today announced that he plans to make the Premier League sack race an Olympic event by 2012. Scudamore is currently lobbying IOC members to add the Premier League sack race to the bloated list of pointless Olympic events that nobody really gives two tiny squirts of piss about.

Talking to himself in a mirror, Scudamore said: “The Premier League sack race is the most anticipated race of the season and is the subject of much speculation and debate, much more so than the 100 metres. That race is over in less than 10 seconds - the Premier League sack race can sometimes last for well over a month. That is what I call entertainment. We need to exploit this before somebody in Spain or Italy steals my idea.”

However, arch-nemesis Sepp Blatter also sits on the board for the IOC and is unlikely to back such a proposal when the committee meet in 2009 to decide which new events will be included in the 2012 programme. The FIFA president said: “Basically anything that comes out of Richard’s mouth is like a massive curled up turd that will not flush away.” [READ MORE »]

Popularity: 59% [?]

FA chief executive Brian Barwick has been sacked after it was decided England are now officially worse than a pub team, according to FA chairman Lord Triesman. The damning verdict comes after England’s hopeless 2-2 draw with the Czech Republic at Wembley on Wednesday night.

Barwick was instrumental in cocking up the hiring of Luiz Filipe Scolari and then awarding the job to Steve McClaren after apparently closing his eyes and pulling his name out of a hat. Speaking outside the FA’s headquarters in Soho Square, Barwick bragged about his ‘legacy’, which for some reason he thinks includes the late opening of Wembley Stadium, a project that took over six years to complete and cost nearly £800 million.

Lord Triesman, who describes Barwick as ‘the most dourest cunt I have ever met’, commented: “Brian’s contribution to the FA is hiring the worst England manager since Graham Taylor and following that up by giving the England job to somebody who could barely fucking speak English.

“And what does Capello do? Pick exactly the same team that McClaren picked. My fucking Gran could do that for 6.5 million quid a year - and the daft old bat is dead. We are even worse now than a pub team. Barwick can piss right off and take that stupid Italo twat with him.” [READ MORE »]

Popularity: 61% [?]